Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Xenu Wine Cellar Mishap Ends in Tragedy

Talk show host and currency dispenser, Oprah Winfrey was vaporized today, after an innocent foray into what she assumed was Tom Cruise's wine cellar. Winfrey was stunned to find not neat racks of merlots and ports, but the intergalactic despot, Xenu.
The Evil One ordered Cruise to destroy her with his sooper-dooper™ OT-VIII™ powers and the actor had no choice but to comply fearing a reapeat of a rather unpleasant incident Xenu was involved with in the past. Ms. Winfrey has been replaced with a Marcabian Super Mk VII PuppetBot™. Niether Xenu or Mr. Cruise could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Great Enturbulation Road Show

A download salute to all my anonymous friends . . .

Hella Trouble in Helatrobus . . .

Leaked Co$ docs are like Lay's™ potato chips: betcha can't read just one. I've been gorging on the heaping platefuls of "tech" that have recently shown up on wikileaks.org. If you pick through them patiently they're quite instructive as to the nature of the racket that is $cientology—especially the lecture transcripts. These are especially hilarious, as you can actually hear the cogs turning in Hubbard's brain as he's bullshitting in realtime. I'd love to say this is like watching "the master at work" but his patois is really transparently pathetic. Lots of verbal static like: "and such", "you see", plus the classic "and that sort of thing". He peppers his lectures with this stuff when he's in the process of making shit up (which is pretty much all the time).

My new favorites are "The Helatrobus Implants". Of course, I've heard of them for years and read little clips here and there, but to spend hours looking closely at them is by turns mirth inducing and tedious. One tactic of Elron's becomes crystal clear however, the ol' "move the target" ploy. He sets up all these thetanic ailments based in ridiculous intergalactic scenarios, and come up with crazy auditing techniques with important sounding names like R2D2 to solve them. He then informs you that there are ever newer levels that you'll have to do on top of that. Here's a fine example from $cientology's Golden Age of Batshit Crazy™:

"Now, the technological win is tremendous and there are only about five percent of the cases you're going to run into that are going to give you a bit of a thetan ache because they don't have what I choose to call now, because it was the nation or small government that did these things -- Helatrobus -- not to be confused with Helatrobe. Helatrobe is the Galactic Confederation.

It's Helatrobus. Call these things the Helatrobus Implants for lack of a better designation because 43 trillion isn't accurate for all cases, don't you see, and that sort of thing. You can't give it by a time date and there is no reason to keep calling it by a time date. Let's call it by something that was less well known, but that we can identify. Call them the Helatrobus Implants and it tells you these are the implants which begin with the electronic clouds over planets and -- and the dichotomy, plus and minus, and so forth, and sweep on through in a certain series. And people have been through them once, twice, three, four times and they have -- we have the patterns of the first series very accurately. We'll shortly have the patterns of the second series.

All that makes very easy auditing. We even have a technique that handles this now: 3N, which has just been released and that's the same patter that you've been using, speeded up a bit. And there's even a shortened version of that which you will need very soon."

There it is, "which you will need very soon". This evidently happens constantly in the cult. You get so far and feel like progress has been made and BAM! You have to be clear. Then you get clear and BAM! You have to go OT. Then you "make progress" and BAM! Body Thetans, evidently 43 trillion years worth of 'em. That's a lot of auditing.

So even though daffy Lafayette has shed his body, Li'l Davy and his minions can keep "discovering" space opera nonsense until the Marcabs come home. That gives me a whole lotta thetan ache.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Have you ever enturbulated an orderly environment?

Well? Have ya, punk?

That's just one of the hundreds of batshit crazy questions on the recently available sec checks now on wikileaks.org.. This amazing look into the rusty carnival ride that was L. Ron Hubbard's brain gives you new perspective on the mind-numbing processes that $cientologists are subject to daily on the Bridge. Hundreds of questions, some reasonable, some completley insane and meaningless, in various combinations and permutations are lobbed at the hapless $cientologist holding the cans.
Imagine going through this process for hours on end. No wonder you get high and feel like the king or queen of the universe when you're done. No wonder you'd believe that the universe is quadrillions of years old (it really isn't really, it just feels like it after a sec check or reading one of Hubbard's tomes).
Read through the OT materials for a good laugh, but remember the state that the auditors get you into in order to fall for the intergalactic tripe. The sleep deprivation. The repetition. And the paranoia. Check out the last questions of the "Jo'burg Confessional". Total paranoia. This might help the wog to understand the mindset of those still inside the "Church" and why they are so in thrall to these ideas.